mistakes from the past
seriously suck.
i hate you old student loans. go die!
my special place. i come here to think. i come here to escape.
him—i think your severely depressed
me—yeah no fucking shit, tell me something i don’t know.
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i hate when people point out things about me, that i am already totally aware of. i find it very very very irritating.
don’t know how to feel…
after much consideration i really think the only emotions i have inside me are anger, and sadness. i really couldn’t tell you when the last time i felt true happiness was. i have “faked” happiness for so long, just to make sure that the people i am surrounded by are comfortable, and not having to deal with someone who is depressed, i really feel i have lost myself somewhere inside that falseness. i was diagnosed with unipolar depression many years ago. but i feel truly deep down inside me it is something other then that. after all this time, the doctors have finally started to feel that same way, and they think i might be bipolar. next week i get to go to the mental health clinic for some assessments, and then i guess we go from there. now i really don’t know how i feel about all that. in a way i am relieved that i might finally get some answers to what is wrong inside my brain, but i am also scared shit-less that i might like what they have to tell me. AND i am really freaked out about the fact they might put me on some mood stabilizers, i have read nothing but insane things about those types of drugs. maybe i am overreacting over nothing. maybe i am so use to not getting the help i need, that i am just trying to talk myself out of getting help. or maybe i am really just okay with the way my fucked up brain works, or worse maybe i am just making all this up in my head, and the doctor will flat out tell me “look there is nothing wrong with you”…sigh..who knows?
